The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
