can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
