I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she smelled like a LAN party
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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