What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
