just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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