im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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