sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
