Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
