Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
