I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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