A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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