I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize