dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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