I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
