My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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