Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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