We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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