im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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