My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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