Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
