Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
