I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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