I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
