i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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