don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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