Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
