someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
