I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
