Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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