he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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