when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
