I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
