You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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