I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
