ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
