Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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