Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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