i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The uberlube is also flammable
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
