Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
