I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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