My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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