u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
