So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
