Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
