what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
