The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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