My underwear smells like fireworks.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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