You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
