you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
