i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
