he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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