the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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