if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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