Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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