you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
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