We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
