I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
