She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
