I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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