Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
