weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
