I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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