I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
In other news, I just burned my penis
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
