On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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