Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
