Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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