my phone needs a breathalizer
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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